Porch Monologue

Sydney Mazur

[Dick knocks on the door. He speaks with an accent.] 

Hello Sir, my name is…

[A beat] 

Well, my name is Dick. Not Richard, it’s… just Dick.

[Dick stares blankly and awkwardly] 

Sorry… wrong door. Excuse me. 

[He walks next door, then knocks] 

Hello there. Dick here. Yes, my first name is Dick, not Richard. Of course, I want to change it. Yes, my parents must dislike me. Yes, I am the one courting your “lovely Gracie.” Yes, I think she hates me. Please don’t close the door! I know you all are busy hating me and whatnot, but I just need to get some things off my chest. I made a big mistake the other day, so now I guess I’m livin’ up to my name. 

You see, there’s this gorgeous woman—she’s beautiful, and she’s Gracie. First time we met, I’m lookin’ at her, and then all of a sudden, she’s lookin’ back. She gives me this weird look, right? Like, “What the hell are you starin’ at, you douchebag?”

All the allure is gone when I introduce myself. 

[a beat or two] 

I mean, really, my name is a phallic nightmare! 

But you know, Gracie once saw somethin’ in me. She was the only one to look past all my ugliness and … insecurities. I don’t know what she saw, and I don’t know why, but it was the best thing to ever happen to me. She’s the love of my life. And … I let her down. I let her down real bad ‘cause the other day, I made the worst mistake of my life … ’cause I asked her to marry me. 

That didn’t come out right—I mean, I do want to marry her! It’s just… well, I know she don’t want to marry me. Maybe not now, maybe not ever…

I just—I rushed into it. I felt us slippin’ apart, and I jumped the gun. I thought the only thing that would keep her with me was if she had a ring on her finger. The most expensive commitment I’d ever make since my 

degree has a certain persuasion to it, don’t you think? Maybe that’s the thing she said was missing in our relationship, financial debt, you know? 

Sure, I don’t have a job right now, but I’ll be back on my feet in no time. Just you wait and see! By the end of the week, every comedy club in the area will be grateful to give the stage to a “34-year-old broke guy who looks like a sad piece of spaghetti.” Oh, who am I kidding? 

I know, I wasn’t what Gracie wanted. Sure, my proposal wasn’t the right time, circumstance, or reason, but I just can’t help but wonder why she didn’t say yes. That’s the worst part. We talked about it, and it was fixin’ to be somethin’ special, but I guess I ruined it ‘cause… I can’t stand bein’ alone.

So what if she don’t rely on me like I do her? Maybe—maybe that’s the way God—or whoever’s up there—made me, and that’s okay. ‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without her. And I’m sure you all feel the same. It’s been a week, and I’ve hated every lonely moment of it. Every solitary pair o’ footsteps, only one cup of coffee, no dirty laundry on the floor, every thought that goes unsaid. I hate it all, and the miserable existence it goes with. 

So yes, I still want to marry her, goddamn it, I do! I just feel like an asshole ’cause clearly I never gave anything to this relationship. Yeah… I know I’m not worthy of her love. I’ve not been as good to her as she is to me. I was late comin’ home and forgetful with cleanin’ the dishes, even more so than usual! 

With her gone, I’ve started to leave my own dirty laundry on the floor, just so it seems like maybe she came home while I was out. I love her with all my being, and I’m not willin’ to let her go. So what if it’s hard, so what if we fight? Hell, I’m not perfect, and she knows that. More than anyone else, she knows. And I want her to continue to know me better than anyone else ‘cause that’s who we are. Or at least. That’s who we were. 

So I guess… the reason I’m here is cause… Well, I never got to change my name. But I’d still like to change hers if she’s okay with it. 

[A beat] 

I’m gonna go now. Would you–? Well, could you just tell Gracie that Dick says hi?